Many things are happening. Things are begining to change... Question: am I moving along?

Change 1: New semester

Short semester comes really quick. It’s week 2 into 2 new subjects already. Learning metabolism is really a pain. My brain just has got not enough hippocampus to convert short term memory to long term memory. Having the strictest (but I believe she is good) lecturer makes it worst. Food engineering is ok. However, I just feel physically weak looking at those presumed heavy and bulky machines and food processing equipments. Well, extra efforts will be make to overcome the bad memory and conquer the heavy stuff!

Change 2: Jason

My cousin Jason has left for London to study this afternoon. He has played a very important part in many people’s lives, including mine. Few of us are rather close to each other as we live in the same area, go to the same church, join the same cell group, attend same family functions, have reunion dinner together… Now that he is away, all these things will be less noisy, more solemn. What I worry most is the subang youth cell. As I shared earlier, he was the pace maker. Now Ben and I have to really take up the responsibility as leaders and encourage the cell to move even higher, further. I believe it’s a time where more people should rise up, believe in themselves that they too can make a change.  

Change 3: Communication

Recently I managed to make a few very good conversations with friends that I’ve kinda lost touch or have not talked for a long time (maybe have not ‘talk’ before). Few reasons why people are not open to others in terms of conversation are because of fear and putting not enough effort. Here comes back to the level of communication (Table 1.1). People are just afraid to move into conversations that will prick their hearts or touch their emotions. (Level 4) Others are just not bothered about other people. All of these result in hardening of hearts and suppressing emotions to some subconscious memory that are wished not to be detected. It sounds like the person is suffering from constipation. Well, it was really good being able to communicate with others and having honest conversations without being afraid to expose our weaknesses. Everyone should try to start a quality conversation regardless you are the one suffering constipation or avoiding hassles in being ‘involved’ in other people’s businesses. No one wants to or should live in a world of his/her own.

That’s for now and I’m hoping for more changes that will make me stronger and wiser. 

Today is the last day of my holiday. Seriously, except for the wonderful church camp, there is nothing else worth mentioning. As for now, I am feeling really depressed. I have been a real cool person and you can hardly know how am I feeling or what am I thinking about. Another word, indifferent or emotionless. I think this is why many people don’t find me easy to get along with. To be true, I don’t have a best friend. I have many wonderful friends from various places but there just isn’t one that I can talk heart to heart to. This is the main reason why I don’t speak freely of my feelings.

To recap Bro Yoong’s (camp speaker) message on level of communication, I find that I can only go up to level 3 with my friends. There was one friend that actually achieved level 4 but it has dropped to level 0 now…

Table 1.1 – Level of Communication

Ok, before I become more depressed, I should talk about something else.

I have been learning to play the keyboard lately. Not the play-play kind but I am really going for classes. I always wanted to learn an instrument since I was a child but it just didn’t happen until I got a free guitar when I was in Form 2. So my short term target now is to be able to play various songs of different styles on the keyboard by next year May. I’ve put a lot of effort in it, practicing until I almost fall asleep…

Since it’s the last day of holiday, I’m going out later in the day! I don’t care where am I going, I just want to go out and breathe some air. Something must be done to kick this depression off or else it will affect my new semester… However, I have to go to college in the morning anyway to pay up my fees. How stupid it is…